She responded with something like "Well, you didn't want to talk to me anymore so I figured I should give you some space." That opened the floodgate inside of me and I said, "Bullshit." I went on to tell her how I felt and how she blindsided me that night and so forth. The email flew back and forth in just few minutes. When she realized how right I was, she broke down into tears (she told me so in e-mail). Sighs. I told her we would talk about this at a better time because I didn't want her to keep crying while at work.
I am so fucking nice. Sometimes I really hate myself for being such a nice guy. Before you all start saying "Nice guys are great!", think about this very carefully before you answer. How often do you throw a nice guy over for a guy who isn't one? How about this...how often do you date bad boys or guys that look dangerous instead of nice ones? Pretty damn often, don't you think? I have personally seen this happen to me and to other nice people over and over. Anyway, back to the post.
She responded with "Okay. I will talk to you after I get home." Wanna guess how long she took to get back to me about that? Over a week. I never once heard from her during that span. Remember point #1 about deciding too rashly? Yeah, I was right to decide that night. Great...just fucking great way to affirm that.
That made me very angry and I just went "Yeah, whatever you say" when she finally got back to me with "I'll let you know what my work schedule is and we can get together for lunch." She said that to me three times and I knew she had met with others for lunch (she kept mentioning those on her damn Facebook account). Took several days after the third promise before I heard from her again, finally telling me the day, time, and the location.
Told her simply: "Okay" because I had stopped caring. I knew I had to write everything down what I wanted to tell her before meeting her for lunch. Why? When I get mad, I don't remember the things I need to talk about. The correct decision to write down things to say ended up filling a full two sides of a piece of legal pad-sized paper, even when I wrote neatly and slowly.
Remember point #3 about not being in love? I was able to prove it by talking about how I felt like I was simply tossed aside...something of a convenience for her to dispose of when she no longer needed it. I wrote about how she owed it to me to tell me what was going on with her and she had opted out of that. If I had been in love with her, I would've gone on and on about how we should've been together or she should've given me a chance to show her great things. No. I just wrote about her actions or lack thereof and how she needs to be held accountable for that.
The day finally arrived and I drove out to her with the letter neatly folded and tucked into my back pocket for quick access. I could've made her come to me, but I promised myself I wouldn't overwhelm her anymore and I was sticking to the parameters of my decision. We met up, she hugged me tightly (again, I didn't reciprocate), we sat down, and I let her start talking. She apologized for not telling me about him and told me she did not know how to approach me after that surprise. She told me she missed our chats because she loved how I can get to her like that, how I can challenge her, how I can really touch her in places deep inside her, and she wanted all of that back.
"Oh yeah?", I remembered thinking that before looking off to the space to hide that thought in my eyes. Took me about 30 seconds of staring at the cars whizzing by outside before looking back intently into her eyes and she didn't flinch or blink at that.
I noticed that but I kept my emotions in check as I went into details on how hurt I was. I could see she was close to tears several times, but I was not going to lose it. Not because "I'm a man!" or that this was in a very crowded restaurant...rather I had no opportunity to lose it because I was emotionally exhausted and I had nothing else to give, willingly or not. I did not want to cry at all. When I wanted to cut the inevitable sob off that was coming on her face, I simply looked off to the space before resuming.
We talked for few more minutes and the nice guy in me kept winning the battle with the asshole in me when it came to telling her what I really wanted to say...anything. That's why I hate myself sometimes, but the asshole in me managed to let her know I had written things down and I didn't feel like telling her like it is. She clearly understood because she said, "There are things in there that would hurt me, right?"
"Yes." was all I said and she leaned back in her seat. I added, "I don't think I ever will show you or tell you." She nodded. She asked if she could change the subject. I let her. You'd think that was the nice guy in me letting her change the subject...but I can tell you it wasn't. Because she wanted to change the subject which told me she couldn't really handle this, she lost. The span from the shock of seeing her date kiss her to the lunch meeting took 6 weeks, which was a complete waste of my time because she couldn't step up and chase this to a resolution.
Translation? I didn't get my closure.
That's just fucking fine with me - she lost, remember? She went on and on about how much she missed me and how we should stay in touch. I know why she kept going on and on about that...she had barely talked to me during those 6 weeks and she fucking knew I was very cognizant of that.
I stepped out afterward and I did remain optimistic about her showing me how much she missed me. Almost two weeks since that meeting...and I had barely heard from her. Again, that shows me how right my decision was. We have been talking again, but on a very limited basis. She now tends to stop talking abruptly, leaving my responses hanging in the air. Gone is the hourly texts, intense/meaningful convos, or hearing from her first thing in the morning.
Now, I wait til 8 am to text her. Sometimes I don't text her until afternoon or night. She has texted me first just three times since then. We had a mini fight two weeks ago about the hugging - she had missed that very much and didn't want me to lightly hug her or pat her on the back like I was just comforting her. The problem is the hugs were very sensual to me and I had to stop everything that's sensually related and...how the fuck do I do that again without it being like that again?
I can't and won't but guess what? I told her, "I'll try" but you and I know that isn't happening. Will she? I think she knows but is hoping I'll hug her tightly again. She isn't stupid.
All of this...what had happened to me...is why I disappeared in the blogosphere (see December 3, 2012 again). When I stopped talking to her immediately after that night of seeing her date kiss her, I noticed something else. The silence. Complete and utter silence. Other than my wife and a certain friend, I never heard from others who used to text/email me all the time. They all disappeared. I tried re-establishing the contacts but they all pretty much stopped talking to me.
I have decided to do the following:
- I won't initiate the sexting with anyone anymore - the silence confirms that
- I will do my best to make sure that friend remains the last one ever to toss me aside like that
- I will not start anything with any of my friends in real life - let them start first
- My wife and I had a discussion about the swinging/polyamory aspect last week and we decided to put that on hold since there's no interest in me
One thing that has changed in me that's in a positive way for sure - thanks to her, I have discovered and embraced the dominant in me. My wife has noticed how dominant I have become and that has ignited the heat between her and I. The sex has been intense and better than before.
I am okay. Really. I'm not just saying that to shoo everyone away. I had a chance to talk to two other people about this and they were excellent sounding boards. I'll admit that I was mad for a while, but I am talking to her again. I even told her I forgive her. Who knows...I may start blogging again.
But first, I have been thinking about writing a novel and I need to figure out how to start. The $250,000 question is...if I do start...and...finish the novel, under which name do I publish the novel? I don't think anyone would buy a book from "Nolens Volens" but then again, I don't think anyone would buy a book from someone like me if I were to reveal my true identity. ;)
Post-epoligue: Yesterday I told my wife about this post, signaling the end of the series along with the blog going on hiatus and her reaction was "How do you feel about this?" I said, "I'm okay with that but I think I'll hear from some readers" She said that this is MY blog. Of course, I am not going to argue with her on that. :)
I decided to tell the friend as well. I said, "Letting you know...I finally finished editing the final two posts (15 posts in all) on my blog and the series will end on Friday." Her response? "Well. Really I don't know how to respond to that. Glad you finished the writing/editing. Sorry you're ending it. But I understand why you are. I hope you're pleased with it." She knew exactly what I was talking about...knew what I meant as well since she was rather verbose.
I knew what she meant as well. My answer to that was "It ended bec there was nothing more to write about. Simple." "I know" was her only message which told me plenty. She has never seen the blog - I won't let her or my wife tell her where - but I can tell you what that "I know" message really means...she has acknowledged that it's over for good.